Good Parenting
Being a Teenager in 2022
Fighting Loneliness & Finding Belonging
Who Am I?
Selfies, TikTok videos, and Instagram posts are various ways of asking, “Who am I?” And with 95% of teens, in the US, having access to a smartphone, social media has become the ubiquitous romping ground for expressing and exploring identity for teenagers.[1]
Identity formation, in general, is a fluid and continual process that usually lasts a lifetime. Age is not necessarily the determining factor for having a better answer to the question, “Who am I?” A 40-year-old man, for instance, may not have any better idea as to who he is than a 15-year-old boy. But considering the hormonal changes and rapid physical growth that teenagers go through, we (adults) gladly admit that the identity of teens and emerging adults are even more in flux. This is why we have a special label for this phase in life: ‘Coming of Age.’ Exploration and formation of identity are natural and to be expected.
Identity formation in digital space (e.g., social media, metaverse, video games, etc.) however, is not a straightforward endeavor. While digital influence on identity is great, the family also wields great influence. In some ways, this is the classic tug of war between the child’s need to be his/her own person and the parental instinct to protect. But for concerned parents, social media can feel like a curveball.
Natives vs Immigrants
Let’s get some definitions down.
‘Digital natives’ — those who have spent their entire lives surrounded by and using computers, video games, smartphones, and social media.[2] Kids from kindergarten to college all fit under this category since they’re “native speakers” of pop technology.
‘Digital immigrants’ — the parents of digital natives. Among digital immigrants are a few commonly shared fears about the influence of digital media on adolescents. Concern over social development (i.e., identity and relationship with others) is always at the top of the list.[3]
TikTok
With over 3.3 billion downloads, TikTok continues buzzing among teenagers.[4] It is known as the app where Gen Z vies for 15 seconds of fame.[5] For teens like Charlie D’Amelio, the 17-year-old starlet who posted her first TikTok video in June 2019 and now has amassed more than 138 million followers, TikTok is a way to be recognized, be noticed, feel loved, and affirmed. Just like Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media predecessors, TikTok is a platform for self-expression more than anything else. According to Bahiyah Omar and Wang Dequan, the need to express themselves is a significant motivator and driver for both participants (i.e., sharing other people’s videos) and producers (i.e., creating their own videos) to be active on TikTok.[6] Self-expression on social media is a form of selfie — a self-portrait.[7]
Parents feel nervous about this. They often wonder about the words, images, and information that teens are seeing and sharing online through social media platforms.[8] Some even jokingly wish they had a ‘Stalk Your Kid Online 101’ manual.[9] Certainly, showcasing one’s identity on social media opens the possibility of abuse and consequences.
While the fear is legitimate, digital immigrants must remember that the digital world is fundamentally built around and influenced by people living in the non-digital world.[10] The majority of online threats to the well-being of teens are mirrored in the offline world “such that offline factors predict negative online experiences and effects.”[11] This means that families can exert a fair amount of control and influence on the destiny of their children’s digital life and safety.
Common Ground
Parents must practice trust and healthy supervision because the positive aspects of the digital world outnumber the negative. Digital identity gives teens the opportunity to make visible what he/she thinks is significant and valuable in his/her existence. The construction of virtual identity assists teenagers to represent the real changes and advances, thus reinforcing his/her non-digital identity.[12] To have a digital venue for experimenting and exploring one’s identity is especially important for teens who find it difficult, and almost painful, to “work” their identity formation at non-digital venues, like the school cafeteria, a kind of petri dish for experimenting with one’s identity:
“Where do I sit, and with whom? How are we dressed at my table compared to others? What do my peers do after school and on the weekend? How do we express ourselves and interact? How do we remember and talk about our good and bad experiences together?”[13]
In these various shapes and forms, the question “Who am I?” plays on a continuous loop, like background music in teens’ subconscious.[14] While in the past self-identified geeks were at the forefront of marking their territories on digital platforms, with the advent of Web 3.0, digital platforms have moved from geek culture to a more globalized mainstream.[15] Moreover, the democratization of smartphone technology is tearing down the digital divide between the “haves” and “have nots.”
Many teens use digital mediums as a way to connect to a larger pool of people beyond their schools and the local community. Teens are drawn to grassroots media platforms, like TikTok, because they are seeking space outside of adult supervision, outside of the constraints of their local community, where they could find others who see the world the same way they do.[16] If parents could experience the digital world through the eyes of their kids, it would often look a lot like a playground — a place where teens playfully “mess around” and “hang out”.[17]
Ultimately, what’s important is how parents respond to teens. The key is supervision; not surveillance. “As media scholar danah boyd teaches, ‘Fear is not the solution; empathy is.’”[18] The goal is to foster a great relationship. The metaverse, for example, should not be a divider; rather it should be a common ground where families connect. This way formation of identity in digital space can be a positive experience both for digital native teens and digital immigrant parents.
Digital Dysphoria?
45% of teens say they are online ‘almost constantly,’ according to the 2018 Pew Research studies.[19] The number one reason they turn to their phones is that they are bored; number two is to avoid other people.[20] Teens often find themselves bored because they have become accustomed to a constant feed of connection, information, and entertainment. Despite some of the positive virtues for identity formation in digital space, there are a couple of deep, lurking issues that are not so easily resolved. The first is insulation from diversity and the second is the exacerbation of loneliness.
Insulation from Diversity
On social media, people are connected in small clusters of close friends. According to research, people communicate with the same 5 to 10 people 80% of the time and use social media primarily to strengthen the bonds with their strong ties.[21] Technology has greatly increased people’s ability to “filter” who they communicate with. Teenagers need not come across people with views that they have not sought out. They are able to communicate with exactly whom they want to communicate with, no more and no less. This is a troubling state of affairs.
The key to equality is to incite young people to engage with new people. Ironically, this is the historical power of two of our largest institutions for youth: the military and college.[22] However, to the detriment of our youth, digital immigrants are discouraging their kids from interacting with new people — a.k.a. strangers — both online and offline. Although Gen Z teens have experienced a record-setting amount of diversity offline in their schools, neighborhoods, and activities, the reality is very different online in their digital clusters and micro-culture.[23]
Just as iron sharpens iron, interacting with people of different thoughts and cultures challenges teens to adopt a growth mindset.[24] Their identity is not stunted; rather it helps our youth increase their social-emotional intelligence and intercultural competence. But unfortunately, the current trend is insulation from diversity.
Exacerbation of Loneliness
Teens who visit social media sites every day are more likely to agree with: “I often feel lonely,” “I often feel left out of things,” and “I often wish I had more good friends.”[25] According to Dr. Jean Twenge, the results are resoundingly clear: teens who spend more time on screen activities are more likely to be unhappy, lonely, and depressed.[26] On the other hand, teens who spend more time on non-screen activities are more likely to be happy.
This does not necessarily imply that the “cure” is to have teens spend more time in-person interacting with others. Recent research shows that people are uncomfortable even when left alone with their thoughts for a few minutes.[27] This greatly coincides with Gen Z teens’ distaste for reading and engaging in thoughtful reflection away from their digital devices.[28]
Research tells us that being comfortable with our vulnerabilities is central to our happiness.[29] Spontaneously interacting with strangers can make us feel vulnerable; being alone with our own thoughts can also make us feel vulnerable. But with the advent of social media and smartphones, teens’ social lives shifted decisively away from in-person interaction. Furthermore, teens are also afraid of being alone, doing nothing, and being bored.[30] If we do not do something about the current state of affairs, teens will only know how to be lonely.
Conclusion
For teens, their identities are wet cement waiting to be influenced by the impressions of others.[31] “The biggest stumbling block for parents is often not what [they] do, but how [they] think about media.”[32] Teenagers are using digital media as a resource to help them define their identity and meet their desire to fit in and be socially connected. Belonging is important for all of us (not just teens!); digital natives are simply using technology to fulfill this inherent human need.
Unfortunately, left unsupervised and on their own terms, digital natives will likely insulate themselves from diversity and exacerbate their state of loneliness; perhaps rendering identity formation in digital space a net negative. Andy Crouch said it best, “The pace of technological change has surpassed anyone’s capacity to develop enough wisdom to handle it.”[33]
[1] Monica Anderson and Jingjing Jiang, “Teens, Social Media and Technology,” Pew Research Center for Internet and Technology, accessed April 18, 2020, https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2018/05/31/teens-social-media-technology-2018/.
[2] Marc Prensky, “Digital Natives, Digital Immigrants,” accessed April 18, 2020, https://www.marcprensky.com/writing/Prensky%20-%20Digital%20Natives,%20Digital%20Immigrants%20-%20Part1.pdf.
[3] Madeleine J. George and Candice L. Odgers, “Seven Fears and the Science of How Mobile Technologies May Be Influencing Adolescents in the Digital Age,” Perspectives on Psychological Science (2015): 832.
[4] Maryam Mohsin, “10 TikTok Statistics That You Need to Know in 2020,” Oberlo, accessed April 18, 2020, https://www.oberlo.com/blog/tiktok-statistics.
[5] Bahiyah Omar and Wang Dequan, “Watch, Share or Create: The Influence of Personality Traits and User Motivation on TikTok Mobile Video Usage,” International Journal of Interactive Mobile Technologies (2020): 121.
[6] Ibid., 124.
[7] Craig Detweiller, Selfies: Searching for the Image of God in a Digital Age (Grand Rapids: Brazos Press, 2013), 16.
[8] Kara Powell, Brad Griffin, and Art Bamford, Every Parent’s Guide to Navigating our Digital World (Pasadena: Fuller Youth Institute, 2018), Loc 765.
[9] Ibid., Loc 750.
[10] Paul Adams, Grouped: How Small Groups of Friends Are the Key to Influence the Social Web (Berkeley: New Riders, 2011), Loc 230.
[11] George, “Seven Fears,”832.
[12] Dragana Deh and Danica Glodjovic, “The Construction of Identity in Digital Space,” AM Journal of Art and Media Studies (2018): 106.
[13] Powell, Every Parent’s Guide, Loc 457.
[14] Ibid., 445.
[15] Mizuko Ito, danah boyd, and Henry Jenkins, Participatory Culture in a Networked Era (Cambridge: Polity Press, 2015) viii.
[16] Ibid., 39.
[17] Powell, Every Parent’s Guide, Loc 622.
[18] Ibid., Loc 808.
[19] Anderson, “Teens, Social Media and Technology.”
[20] Aaron Smith, “U.S. Smartphone Use in 2015,” Pew Research Center for Internet and Technology, accessed April 18, 2020, https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2015/04/01/us-smartphone-use-in-2015/.
[21] Paul Adams, Grouped: How Small Groups of Friends Are the Key to Influence the Social Web (Berkeley: New Riders, 2011), Loc 365.
[22] Ito, Participatory Culture, 86.
[23] Jean M. Twenge, iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood — and What That Means for the Rest of Us (New York: Atria Books, 2017), Loc 3358.
[24] Proverbs 27:17
[25] Ibid., Loc 1154.
[26] Twenge, iGen, Loc 1119.
[27] Timothy D. Wilson et al. “Just Think: The Challenges of the Disengaged Mind,” Science 34, no. 6192 (2014): 75.
[28] Twenge, iGen, Loc 892.
[29] Brené Brown, “The power of vulnerability,” Delivered June 2010 at TEDxHouston, Houston, TX, www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en.
[30] Donald W. Winnicott “The Capacity to Be Alone,” International Journal of Psychoanalysis 39, no. 5 (1958): 417.
[31] Powell, Every Parent’s Guide, Loc 205.
[32] Ibid., Loc 240.
[33] Andy Crouch, The Tech-wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2017), Loc 136.
